I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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