we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
