Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
