i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
lets start a swedish sibling band together
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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