I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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