went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
