Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
