Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
