Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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