My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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