I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
