I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
