The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
