I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
