Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
