I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
