either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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