I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
