I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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