I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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