just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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