It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
