Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
