I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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