Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
