Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
