Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
