You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
