I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
