So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
