Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
