I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
