if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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