My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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