i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
