After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
