every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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