Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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