I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
