Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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