last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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