I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
