Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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