So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
