I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
