i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
