I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
