Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You're a waste of cheezeits
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
