If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
