i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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