nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
