I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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